moving on or settling down

i’ve been pretty scared of showing my face lately

if “lately” could still substitute for a year and a half

i’m not scared of seeing you anymore

i know you won’t yell or scream or kick or pull

what terrifies me the most 

is knowing you will look at me

 and see nothing

feel nothing

and i know that’s true because you’ve moved on

but i really wouldn’t like to be reminded 

and you know what really keeps me up at night

is worrying i’ll never be able to love anyone again after you

lately i’m not feeling so scared anymore 

i’m not sure if it’s because you look so fucking similar 

or if it could be something more 

practice what you preach 

there’s a reason I’m not religious

I’ve never met a Christian man

who didn’t have some sort of secret plan

to shame me and make me submissive 

Manipulate your way into my head just to crawl inside my bed

and pretend you really just want to cuddle 

you want me to kneel on the pew and pray

Hail Mary’s muffled by your Adam in my mouth

Raven, darling, you don’t have to beg for forgiveness

it didn’t last long enough to reach the heavens

not even the neighbors

you will never be my savior

 I don’t need to be saved

–fragments running through my head while you were running through the door

back + forth 

my heart was getting pounded in every night by a very small man with a very large hammer

little cracks started to form like a tree uprooting sidewalk

except backwards, I guess

and you slipped in between the broken pieces and filled up the cracks, like nothing ever happened

but your love was like tar instead of cement

hot and sticky and incredibly painful to scrape your knees on

I’m sorry I kissed him the day after I said goodbye

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was using you to fill in the cracks

I’m sorry you found out I’m cold

I’m sorry you found out

I’m sorry I accused you of stealing my grandmothers memorial card

I think the other asshole took it now

pwb

the way people talk about you to me is something treasured

a presumed stranger to your scandalous bed post

looking more like hungry tomcats scratching board

than somewhere to dream

they tell me your secrets

some that would hurt you

intended to hurt you

but they only cut me

they tell me your secrets

that I so desperately want to cut you with

but that’ll just lead to more scandals, more secrets

and what’s the fun in that?

so I bottle them up like an old sand castle I made at a town fair

the ones with layering colors and obnoxious glass shapes

but the sand is spilling out and turning into a terrible shade of brown

it’s uncanny how so it reminds me of your eyes

ella, darling

I miss your mom, I miss your dog

I guess it’s your mom’s dog, isn’t it?

I miss the way your breath smells like dog shit

I don’t really miss it, but I miss hating it

I miss fighting with you about carrying mints

such a simple fix but you’d never admit

I miss sweating in your bedroom on hot summer nights

I miss sticking together and peeling apart

our bodies were made for each other

like two puzzle pieces waiting to mesh into one

I miss drinking shitty beer that I actually really still hate

I can’t drink PBR without thinking of you

I hope you can’t drink something expensive and bottled without thinking of me, too

I miss combing your hair in the shower

you’re such a little sensitive scalp

bitching and moaning about pulling your knots

but you wouldn’t flinch to rip my hair right from the root

its almost your birthday

I know you can’t see me, but I’ve been searching for you

I scan the streets the seas the subways

always for you

My computer remembers your passwords and taunts me with your happiness

I’m just so curious, baby, you’ve always know that

I get a little tickle in my belly I can’t stop giggling

Maybe I’m a masochist for loving you

Oh god, it hurts when I think of you

It starts in my stomach

A rotten peach pit of loneliness

Craving your once sweet juice and fleshy skin

It travels up to my elbows

They get heavy and lock up against my growing sides

I’ve been eating too much

I’m still cooking for two

It crawls up my esophagus tickling like a thousand legger

You know the ones you used to squish for me when they scuttled around the tile

But a big fat roach pries my jaw open

And it’s too big for you to kill

There’s a big sneeze trapped in my brain

A plethora of never sent “I miss you baby” 3am text messages

And jokes I wanted to tell you about beluga whales

One day I’ll look at the light and let it explode

But only when you’re in my bed and

Old friends still ask how we’re doing

I can’t bear to tell them we’re not we

That I’m just me

You’re not just you, but with someone new

I’d rather lie than cry

Oh god, it hurts when I think of you

But I can’t think straight without you

And tell me baby

Just indulge me

Don’t you miss me too?

It’s almost your birthday

But will she sing to you?

carlyse, carly stay

i’m making myself nauseous

forcing my lungs to inhale this nicotine

i fucking hate cigarettes

but the waves are more comfortable

more tolerable

than the gut wrenching pangs of tears

i can hear you coughing

you smoke too many cigarettes

you have no idea

i’m shivering on your corner

anxiously awaiting an escape

a man is standing in the middle of your street

his cab pulled away and the street lights are flickering

maybe they’re motion detected

or maybe they’re just dying

maybe they’re just like you

waiting to fade away