moving on or settling down

i’ve been pretty scared of showing my face lately

if “lately” could still substitute for a year and a half

i’m not scared of seeing you anymore

i know you won’t yell or scream or kick or pull

what terrifies me the most 

is knowing you will look at me

 and see nothing

feel nothing

and i know that’s true because you’ve moved on

but i really wouldn’t like to be reminded 

and you know what really keeps me up at night

is worrying i’ll never be able to love anyone again after you

lately i’m not feeling so scared anymore 

i’m not sure if it’s because you look so fucking similar 

or if it could be something more 

hindsight 

my roommate has a hard time understanding why I crave you still 

she used to call the cops and hang up after the first dial

it took you that long to take her seriously

but she didn’t want to be serious 

serious is scary

you scared me, you scared her 

you scared me back into the shell of the person you once pried me out of 

only to watch how far you could kick me back in 

but I crave your foot on my jaw 

your knuckles wrapped around my wrists

dropping me onto the cold tile floor before flinging yourself rid of me, the parasite leeching off love   

but I crave you because you know my secrets

they were so painful to tell that I don’t think I can ever tell another soul again 

it took too much out of us when I burdened you with the weight of my insanity 

but I can’t carry it without you 

please

I thought I could

but I’m so much weaker than I ever knew

I never knew I would crave your abuse over mine 

back + forth 

my heart was getting pounded in every night by a very small man with a very large hammer

little cracks started to form like a tree uprooting sidewalk

except backwards, I guess

and you slipped in between the broken pieces and filled up the cracks, like nothing ever happened

but your love was like tar instead of cement

hot and sticky and incredibly painful to scrape your knees on

I’m sorry I kissed him the day after I said goodbye

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was using you to fill in the cracks

I’m sorry you found out I’m cold

I’m sorry you found out

I’m sorry I accused you of stealing my grandmothers memorial card

I think the other asshole took it now

ella, darling

I miss your mom, I miss your dog

I guess it’s your mom’s dog, isn’t it?

I miss the way your breath smells like dog shit

I don’t really miss it, but I miss hating it

I miss fighting with you about carrying mints

such a simple fix but you’d never admit

I miss sweating in your bedroom on hot summer nights

I miss sticking together and peeling apart

our bodies were made for each other

like two puzzle pieces waiting to mesh into one

I miss drinking shitty beer that I actually really still hate

I can’t drink PBR without thinking of you

I hope you can’t drink something expensive and bottled without thinking of me, too

I miss combing your hair in the shower

you’re such a little sensitive scalp

bitching and moaning about pulling your knots

but you wouldn’t flinch to rip my hair right from the root

its almost your birthday

I know you can’t see me, but I’ve been searching for you

I scan the streets the seas the subways

always for you

My computer remembers your passwords and taunts me with your happiness

I’m just so curious, baby, you’ve always know that

I get a little tickle in my belly I can’t stop giggling

Maybe I’m a masochist for loving you

Oh god, it hurts when I think of you

It starts in my stomach

A rotten peach pit of loneliness

Craving your once sweet juice and fleshy skin

It travels up to my elbows

They get heavy and lock up against my growing sides

I’ve been eating too much

I’m still cooking for two

It crawls up my esophagus tickling like a thousand legger

You know the ones you used to squish for me when they scuttled around the tile

But a big fat roach pries my jaw open

And it’s too big for you to kill

There’s a big sneeze trapped in my brain

A plethora of never sent “I miss you baby” 3am text messages

And jokes I wanted to tell you about beluga whales

One day I’ll look at the light and let it explode

But only when you’re in my bed and

Old friends still ask how we’re doing

I can’t bear to tell them we’re not we

That I’m just me

You’re not just you, but with someone new

I’d rather lie than cry

Oh god, it hurts when I think of you

But I can’t think straight without you

And tell me baby

Just indulge me

Don’t you miss me too?

It’s almost your birthday

But will she sing to you?