practice what you preach 

there’s a reason I’m not religious

I’ve never met a Christian man

who didn’t have some sort of secret plan

to shame me and make me submissive 

Manipulate your way into my head just to crawl inside my bed

and pretend you really just want to cuddle 

you want me to kneel on the pew and pray

Hail Mary’s muffled by your Adam in my mouth

Raven, darling, you don’t have to beg for forgiveness

it didn’t last long enough to reach the heavens

not even the neighbors

you will never be my savior

 I don’t need to be saved

–fragments running through my head while you were running through the door

back + forth 

my heart was getting pounded in every night by a very small man with a very large hammer

little cracks started to form like a tree uprooting sidewalk

except backwards, I guess

and you slipped in between the broken pieces and filled up the cracks, like nothing ever happened

but your love was like tar instead of cement

hot and sticky and incredibly painful to scrape your knees on

I’m sorry I kissed him the day after I said goodbye

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was using you to fill in the cracks

I’m sorry you found out I’m cold

I’m sorry you found out

I’m sorry I accused you of stealing my grandmothers memorial card

I think the other asshole took it now

its almost your birthday

I know you can’t see me, but I’ve been searching for you

I scan the streets the seas the subways

always for you

My computer remembers your passwords and taunts me with your happiness

I’m just so curious, baby, you’ve always know that

I get a little tickle in my belly I can’t stop giggling

Maybe I’m a masochist for loving you

Oh god, it hurts when I think of you

It starts in my stomach

A rotten peach pit of loneliness

Craving your once sweet juice and fleshy skin

It travels up to my elbows

They get heavy and lock up against my growing sides

I’ve been eating too much

I’m still cooking for two

It crawls up my esophagus tickling like a thousand legger

You know the ones you used to squish for me when they scuttled around the tile

But a big fat roach pries my jaw open

And it’s too big for you to kill

There’s a big sneeze trapped in my brain

A plethora of never sent “I miss you baby” 3am text messages

And jokes I wanted to tell you about beluga whales

One day I’ll look at the light and let it explode

But only when you’re in my bed and

Old friends still ask how we’re doing

I can’t bear to tell them we’re not we

That I’m just me

You’re not just you, but with someone new

I’d rather lie than cry

Oh god, it hurts when I think of you

But I can’t think straight without you

And tell me baby

Just indulge me

Don’t you miss me too?

It’s almost your birthday

But will she sing to you?